Publisher: May 4th 2010 by HarperCollins
When Justin Halpern accepted a job with Maxim.com, he was suddenly free to leave Los Angeles and move in with his girlfriend in San Diego. After three years of doing the long distance thing he arrived at her doorstep, ready to elate her with his "Honey I'm home" only to be unceremoniously dumped. At a loss as to where to go, he tucked tail and went home. Home-home, to his parents.
"You know you can stay here. All I ask is that you pick up your shit so you don't leave your bedroom looking like it was used for a gang bang."
Living at home as an adult can give you an entirely different perspective on your parents and Justin began documenting all the funny crap his cantankerous father came up with. It started out on twitter Sh*t My Dad Says and 1 million followers later it translated into a book deal.
"YOU, a published writer?..Internet don't count. Any asshole can throw shit up on there."
Filled with the wit and wisdom of his very opinionated 74 year old dad, this book is a quick, hilarious read from start to finish. Mr. Halpern's opinions and anecdotes on the surface might seem crass or at times, overly harsh but behind every verbal ass-kicking he gives his son, you can clearly see that there's a lot of love and a great deal of pride.
"Don't think you can't call us unless something big happens. Don't be one of those guys, because those calls, they take a little while to happen...You're trying. You're giving it a go. That's a big deal to me. You may not think things you do mean shit, but remember that they mean shit to me, okay?"
His tough-love and "that's life" teachings are well worth the read and it's OK to admit to yourself that a lot of the things his dad says are things you wish you had the guts to admit.
On My Last-Place Finish in the 50-Yard Dash During Little League Tryouts
"It kinda looked like you were being attacked by a bunch of bees or something. Then when I saw the fat kid with the watch who was timing you start laughing....Well, I'll just say it's never a good sign when a fat kid laughs at you."
"You pitched a great game, you really did. I'm proud of you. Unfortunately, your team is shitty....No, you can't go getting mad at people because they're shitty. Life will get mad at them, don't worry."