Tempted by P.C. Cast and Kristin Cast

Welcome back to the House of Night series, children. I know you're excited to return to vamp school but first, let's review what we've learned about the House of Night series thus far:

1. The House of Night is a boarding school for fledgling vampires, who apparently need the supervision and influence of older vampires in order for them to make the transition into full vampires or they die horribly EXCEPT THEY DON'T DIE. Yeah.
2. Vampire customs and beliefs follow a hodge-podge of matriarchal, pagan, greekish, Lori Cabot-esque philosophy that doesn't really make any sense, but would still be rather quaint if it wasn't taken directly from the "Be Like The Girls in the Craft Handbook 101", or if it was in anyway consistent and didn't butcher a plethora of folklore.
3. Panders to every conceivable stereotype in a shameless attempt to suck in readers. (Kudos to your PR people) For instance, the fact that Damien's homosexuality is mentioned EVERY time he appears on page and we get that your book is multi-racial and I'm so glad you have to keep telling us that some of your characters hail from different backgrounds.
4. Zoey (Lady of the Night really does mean whore) Redbird is everything we hope our daughters won't be and please don't strive to be like her.
5. Is correct in it's portrayal of teenage boys being only sex driven hot heads.
6. Is written on a third grade reading level.

Chapters 1-447 (Seems like every five pages we got a new chapter) or up to 55% of the book:
Stevie Rae and the Bird Man (playing at a club near you)

Zoey and Co. have scared off Nefret and Kalona, they are all living in a nunnery, and Stevie Rae saves a Raven Mocker (nasty half bird man created when Kalona raped Cherokee women. Seriously. Pull something else out of your ass). Zoey fights with all three of her boyfriends. Skip forward to just over halfway through the book because that's the next time anything actually happens.

Chapter 447-963: When the World is Crap and Evil Beings Want to Kill You Go Back to School

They return to the House of Night, I forget why. Probably so that they are around adult vamps who keep them from "dying" and turning into blood thirsty monsters that can't go out in the daylight.....wait....I...thought...that's...what...vampires...did...?

Chapter 963-1452: We Couldn't Come Up With Anything Original So We Wrote This

Now they are traveling to Italy to meet with the Voltur- er wait, that's another book isn't it? Let me reread- nope, they are indeed traveling to Italy to meet with the vampire council. *cough* Twilightbandwagonfamewhores *cough*

The Last, Er, Roughly, 6 Pages

In which everything gets REALLY good! I want to know what happens next! Is it wrong that I think Kalona is AWESOME? Can you BELIEVE what just happened!? When do we get another one?

Yes, this is book abuse at its finest right here and I know some people think the sun shines out of Team Cast's a...there, I was good, but there isn't anything even remotely intelligent about this book, the series, the story, the concept. That said, even given my animosity towards the writers and the series, I keep reading because there is just something about the series that makes me want to see it through. I'm giving this book 3 stars, it may be crap, but it's consistently crappy which takes real initiative. Not only that you couldn't write anything worse and still have it be SO VERY entertaining and that's real skill, and well...it has a fabulous cliff-hanger ending.

5 thoughts?:

Ladybug December 16, 2009 at 3:45 PM  

OMG your review cracked me up! I feel the same way about these books, it's kind of a love hate relationship. So many things irritated me but still I've read all of the books(except for this one, but thats just because I haven't gotten my hands on it yet).

Taschima Cullen December 16, 2009 at 4:30 PM  

Hahahahahahahahaha This review seriously cracked me up.

Im with ya girls, it's a love/hate relationship. This series been going down down down since the third book... I still don't know why they haven't terminated it.

I loved the cliffhanger and I cant help but want to read the next one to see if they come up for air and stop drowning. This series had something entertaining and original at first, now is all too confusing with all the religions and the men.

Also I am fricking mad that they decided to make Eric the "bad boyfriend". COME FUCKING ON! (sorry for the cuss, should I say bull poopie?)He was my sweetheart, and stupid Zoey decided to cheat with a total bad guy (who wasn't really that hot anyways) and then she wanted Eric back because he turned and was super hot. UGH.

I love stark though... And the human boyfriend is so sweet. Zoey could probably live 2 lifetimes and not deserve them.

lifeafterjane December 16, 2009 at 7:52 PM  

You're right. I love hating this series. It has my vote for worst series of the year and yet I can't wait for the next one. It just amazes me what you can throw on a page and feed to the public- that eats it, pukes it up and goes back for seconds. Let's write a really bad series and get published. It's the in thing to do. We can be Team Trendy Vamp Whore, we'll sell millions.

Book Snob December 17, 2009 at 10:40 PM  

You're review of the previous 5 books had me rolling it was so funny and completely accurate. Your review was awesome. I didn't read the end about the last 6 pgs of the book because I want to read it but it was great! lol

biblio794 January 3, 2010 at 8:31 PM  

AMAZING Review! It's SO true!

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